Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris can kill two stone with one bird.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye